I wasn't ready for this...
And now for some grown-up talk...
One blog I really love had a great post this week that became a really interesting conversation (the comments are really worth reading!) about one of the aspects of parenthood I didn't fully anticipate. That's the whole passing judgment thing that many of my new-parent friends have had to deal with in ways we wouldn't image.
I guess when you have a baby you expect a certain amount of unsolicited advice from folks who are sure that their parenting methods are the best methods... simple suggestions that your baby is too cold and needs a sweater and the usual comments about how "we never had any of this stuff when we were kids" (as if I'm supposed to say, "you're right! Robbie doesn't need a stinkin' stroller!"). that's the kind of stuff I expected, so I was ready to deal with that.
But I wasn't ready for flat out challenges from strangers about why I wasn't breast-feeding. Or snide comments and even accusing remarks from both strangers and acquaintances about my choice (not Chris's - never Chris's) to be a working parent. And that's not even the tip of the iceburg... people love to express their opinions and pass judgment on women - especially mothers, it seems.
On top of that, there is the perceived judgment that probably doesn't even exist but drives me nuts anyway. Was that look from the lady in the store supposed to be a commentary on how I'm letting my baby lick the cart? Probably not, but it's hard not to take it way sometimes and get a little defensive. And any little well meaning comment from my daycare provider sends me into a frenzy of over-analyzing over what I'm doing wrong. As a generally confident person, I so wasn't ready for that!
So reading the post at Her Bad Mother was an interesting turn on the issue, making me think about how I judge other mothers, too... whether I like it or not. And the response from HBM's own mother is thought provoking, too.
One blog I really love had a great post this week that became a really interesting conversation (the comments are really worth reading!) about one of the aspects of parenthood I didn't fully anticipate. That's the whole passing judgment thing that many of my new-parent friends have had to deal with in ways we wouldn't image.
I guess when you have a baby you expect a certain amount of unsolicited advice from folks who are sure that their parenting methods are the best methods... simple suggestions that your baby is too cold and needs a sweater and the usual comments about how "we never had any of this stuff when we were kids" (as if I'm supposed to say, "you're right! Robbie doesn't need a stinkin' stroller!"). that's the kind of stuff I expected, so I was ready to deal with that.
But I wasn't ready for flat out challenges from strangers about why I wasn't breast-feeding. Or snide comments and even accusing remarks from both strangers and acquaintances about my choice (not Chris's - never Chris's) to be a working parent. And that's not even the tip of the iceburg... people love to express their opinions and pass judgment on women - especially mothers, it seems.
On top of that, there is the perceived judgment that probably doesn't even exist but drives me nuts anyway. Was that look from the lady in the store supposed to be a commentary on how I'm letting my baby lick the cart? Probably not, but it's hard not to take it way sometimes and get a little defensive. And any little well meaning comment from my daycare provider sends me into a frenzy of over-analyzing over what I'm doing wrong. As a generally confident person, I so wasn't ready for that!
So reading the post at Her Bad Mother was an interesting turn on the issue, making me think about how I judge other mothers, too... whether I like it or not. And the response from HBM's own mother is thought provoking, too.
Labels: parenting
posted by Emily Clasper at 5:31 PM
4 Comments:
It is so interesting to read your writing about this. Something that drove me nuts 30 years ago is now doing the same to you. Peter and I have had this conversation many, many times, always with the same result. Working is what made me "me". I could help you and Kate find your own identities because I knew who I was. As you gain confidence in yourself what others say will bother you less and less. Love, Mom
I guess some things never change.
It's not just about working... that's a no brainer and I don't take those criticisms to heart. I just didn't expect the extent to which people start judging you when you have a kid... and it's really a two way street. I guess we all think our way is the right way.
Of course, mine is. :)
This is exactly the thought process that I went through in trying to understand my reaction to the girl on the subway - I, too, had not been prepared for random strangers questioning me about why I was giving my daughter a bottle, why her mittens weren't on, etc, etc. And I was put out by those questions. So when I had the experience of thinking that I needed to explain to another mom something about her parenting, I thought twice.
Feel guilty about it, but still.
Maybe that's it. You thought twice. You thought about how you would feel if the tables were turned. Many people barely think once.
Post a Comment
<< Home